“I love mankind, it's people I can't stand”
On September 11th, I wrote a blog, “Stupid is, as Stupid Does” about Laveta Mitchell. Mitchell was the first person waiting in line to see the taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show on Michigan Avenue. She arrived on a Monday at 11:30 p.m. for the show’s taping on Tuesday—more than 17 hours later. Of course, because the crowd of 1000’s of fans surged past her when the gates were opened, Mitchell ended up in the third section back, about a half-block from the stage, behind a woman who was more than 6 feet tall and blocked her view.
Mitchell is probably related to cousins Karen Wilson and Vernita Calbert who have proudly sat in the No. 1 or No. 2 lawn chairs outside the 5 a.m. Black Friday opening of Toys R Us or Target for seven years. According to the Sun Times, “ They head out at midnight or 1 a.m. with necessities in tow: sales coupons, copies of their favorite stores' e-mailed sneak-preview alerts, a store map, lawn chairs, picnic basket and a plan to quickly grab the best door-buster deals.”
The Sun Times continues with, “Calbert, of Chicago's South Side, will drive to Wilson's home in Country Club Hills to start their Black Friday adventure. They'll go to Wal-Mart in Country Club Hills, aiming for door buster specials on laptop computers and flat-screen TVs. While Wal-Mart is open overnight, it is advertising specials on HDTVs, netbooks and Blu-ray Disc players that start at 5 a.m. Friday. After they finish their trips to Toys R Us and Target, they'll rush to Menards for deals on stereo sets or household items.”
I would really like to be on Calbert’s and Wilson’s Christmas gift list if they are planning on buying laptop computers, flat-screen TVs, HDTVs and netbooks. Are the cousins so wealthy that they can afford to give out such luxurious presents? If they were that rich, they would not bother waiting in line to save a few bucks. I have a feeling that if we checked their shopping bags after their excursions to the discount stores we would find acrylic mittens and hats, not expensive electronics.
According to the International Council of Shopping Centers., nearly 18 percent of the day-after-Thanksgiving shoppers plan to arrive between midnight and 4 a.m., and 36.2 percent intend to arrive between 4 a.m. and 8 a.m. The National Retail Federation estimates that 134 million people nationwide will shop the weekend after Thanksgiving.
The U.S. Census Bureau reports that the total population of the United Sates is 304,059,724. If we subtract children from that figure we arrive at 253.7 million. Let’s also subtract the 10% who are unemployed and we now have 228.33 million people. I am now taking away the population of those older than 65 because they are not that stupid to be at a store at 5 a.m. and that reduces the figure by another 35.9 million, leaving us 192.43 million. If Christmas shopping is for Christians, then let us extrapolate 5 million Jews, 5 million Muslims, 1 million Hindus, and the 13% of adults who say they have no religion (33 million) and we are left with 148.43 million people who have a reason for shopping on Black Friday. Since I doubt that the prison population can shop (wardens don’t let them out for that reason), let’s lose another 8 million and be left with 140.43 million. My last subtraction is the 28 million people who are at or below the poverty level and my final figure is 120.43 million people. So how can The Retail Federation estimate that 134 million people will be shopping this weekend? It makes no sense! I realize that my numbers are duplicative because I have counted a 65 year old poverty stricken Hindu prisoner in more than one category, but I think you get my drift. Numbers can be made to appear however the mathematician wants them to come out.
By the same respect, the Black Friday prices are manipulated. Maybe a store has five flat-screen televisions at a special price but they will all be snatched up by relatives of the store’s sales force. “Real people” do not receive these bargains anymore than Laveta Mitchell received a seat in the front row at the Oprah taping on Michigan Avenue.
So as Charlie Brown from the Peanuts cartoon so wisely said, “I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.” My addition to the quote is, “the people I can’t stand are those so stupid to wait in line.”
Fan Club President Sue writes:
ReplyDelete"I guess these people live with hope...and not wisdom!"
Cupcake Kathy writes:
ReplyDelete"Think of the Black Friday shoppers more as adrenaline addicted, thrill seekers. It's like the surge you get from the thrill of the hunt, climbing Mt. Everest - for what, a better view? or bungie jumping off a bridge, because peeing your pants keeps you warm? I don't get any of that thrill seeking stuff. I am fine at home with a pot of coffee, still in my jammies at noon with YoYo Ma playing in the background. I wouldn't mind if someone wanted to come over with a bottle of wine to play some adrenaline raising scrabble, but being around a bunch of shop/savings addicts, just doesn't interest me. I'm with you."
Blog Follower Kaz writes:
ReplyDelete"You did it again...I am cracking up reading yet again, one of the BEST
lines ever!
"...I realize that my numbers are duplicative because I have counted a 65 year old poverty stricken Hindu prisoner in more than one category,but I think you get my drift."
Shia Kapos from Crain's writes:
ReplyDelete"Love your stuff! I should have linked to you the other day on the Black Friday item. I had to go out so earlier, I was delirious!
Blog Follower Fritz writes:
ReplyDelete"The stupidity of the whole 4 AM thing on Black Friday is only trounced by the long-time stupidity of the fellow who waited at the County Building over the New Year's holiday just to get picnic permit #1 (I think his name was Moose).
The joke was on him a year or two ago, though, because after camping out over the whole holiday (it might have also included a weekend day, too) when the door to at the Forest Preserve clerk's office opened, they told him they weren't selling these at 'retail' anymore and only were available on the Internet (and, of course, they had already sold the prime spots he wanted)!
So, the moral of the story is, save yourself a lot of wasted time and use the web. You'll never look back!
Now, your next column should be about 'Cyber Monday'. I'll be waiting online, in my pajamas, right until 12:01 AM to be first to buy something I don't need!