JUST CALM DOWN!

I have written before how I hate when pedestrians  do not pay attention to the Do Not Walk signs. Last September I wrote, “This especially maddens me at the corners of Huron/Michigan (going west on Huron) and Erie/Michigan (going east on Superior). I have embarrassed many friends when I have yelled at the pedestrians screaming, “The signal says don’t walk. You suburbanites don’t know how to follow the signs!” I have now discovered that my “sidewalk rage” is real and that there is a condition known as Pedestrian Aggressiveness Syndrome (PAS). So it’s not my fault and like all good Americans, I can blame my belligerent state of mind on an illness!

The University of Hawaii has produced a study listing what traits are proof of the manifestation of PAS. I have many of the symptoms of this “disease,” and will be calling my doctor for treatment. I wonder if I can get Social Security disability payments until I am cured.



Pedestrian Aggressiveness Syndrome


• Having denigrating thoughts about other pedestrians

• Walking by a slower moving pedestrian and cutting back too soon


• Feeling competitive with other pedestrians


• Acting in a hostile manner


• Feeling stress and impatience when walking in a crowded area


• Walking much faster than the rest of the people


• Not yielding when it's the polite thing to do


• Walking on the left where most pedestrians are walking on the right


• Muttering at other pedestrians


• Bumping into others


• Not apologizing when expected


• Making insulting gestures


• Hogging or blocking the passageway, acting uncaring or unaware


• Expressing pedestrian rage against a driver


• Feeling enraged at other pedestrians and enjoying thoughts of violence

An example of another waste of tax-payer money on useless information, in 2006, the City of New York and the NYC Department of City Planning produced a study that showed smokers walk 2.3% slower than the average walker's 4.27 feet per second. Tourists creep along at an 11% more-leisurely rate than the average walker, while cell phone talkers walk 1.6% slower, according to the report. So a smoking tourist talking on a cell phone is practically standing still since their pace is so slow!

So I am totally blameless when I scream at pedestrians who ignore the flashing Do Not Walk signal. Maybe if I shoot one of them, the police will give me a PAS.