RED-HAIRED PEOPLE BAN TO BE IGNORED BY U.S. GOVERNMENT!

Because people born with red hair and green eyes are more attractive than others, which gives them a distinct advantage in life because all of the benefits they reap and don’t have to pay for, 200 years ago, the founding fathers decided that they would not be allowed to live in this country.  For years, proponents of red heads have been trying to get the ban overturned with no success in Congress.  Because of this outrageous discrimination, President Barack Obama, through an administrative ukase, announced that the government will no longer enforce the ban against red-haired, green-eyed people.  

Last week, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano told Congress she has authority to halt deportation of red-haired people as long as they meet certain criteria, such as dying their hair another color, shaving their heads or wearing a wig. They would also have to wear tinted contact lenses to change their eye color. The new rules would cover up to 300,000 red heads. In 2010, the government deported 20,000 who did not change their hair color. Under the new rules, most now would likely be allowed to stay, because they would not be distinguishable from other people.

Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin said in a statement, "These red heads are the future doctors, lawyers, teachers and maybe senators who will make America stronger and more attractive.  Maybe one of them will even win the Miss World or Miss Universe pageant and give America the recognition it deserves as the most beautiful country in the world.”

"This plan amounts to backdoor amnesty for hundreds of thousands — if not millions — of red haired, green-eyed people who have been hiding their true identity with dye and contact lenses," Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer said in a statement.”  We are a nation of laws, not men — or even strawberry blondes with emerald eyes.”

Brewer concluded her statement with, "Obama should focus on the American citizens who elected him, those struggling to keep their homes, their heads above water and those looking for jobs instead of telling agents of Homeland Security to ignore the law."

The Salon Owners of America Association was thrilled by the announcement. Horace Fuddrucker, president of the Association said, “This new ruling will drive a tremendous amount of business to beauty parlors through the land as red heads can now safely hide their identity by dying their follicles.  In my salon, we are already stocking up on boxes of Clairol black dye number 7.”

The Coalition of Ophthalmologists issued a statement saying, “Since we never break the confidentiality code that our clients have come to rely on, we cannot say whether we have already sold contact lenses to anyone trying to hide their identity.”  Not realizing the cameras were still rolling, Coalition Executive Director, Jeremiah Icu was heard saying that he had converted the eye color of fifteen people in the past month -- strictly off the books.  He was immediately taken into custody by an agent of the IRS for cheating on his business taxes.

For more information on the escalating hate crimes against red heads, please watch this video.