WHY I CAN’T EVER RUN FOR POLITICAL OFFICE

I watch all the Judge shows on TV and the rulings are always based on the law and not on common sense.  I have joked that I should have my own court TV show, called Common Sense Court where all of the decisions would be based solely on how I personally felt and not by the letter of the law.

Besides not being an attorney, I could never be a “real” judge because I would answer the questionnaires that judge candidates received with the truth as I feel it.  For fun I have filled out a judicial questionnaire below.  Would you vote for me?

1. What experiences have you had that give you the qualifications to be a judge?

I record Judge Judy, Judge Mathis and People’s Court every day and watch the episodes in the morning while I am getting dressed and making my bed.  I have been following these Judges for years and have learned important legal concepts like, “ an engagement ring is given in anticipation of marriage,” so if the marriage is called off the person who paid for the ring gets to keep it.

2. Around the country, we’ve heard people stress the importance of “a fair and impartial judiciary”. How would you define a fair and impartial judge and how would you work to ensure your impartiality?

It might be important to have “a fair and impartial judiciary,” but since I will make all decision based on my gut and whether I like the defendant or not (including the outfit they are wearing), I will be totally biased. If the defendant is a woman wearing sandals with no panty hose she automatically goes to the slammer. If she is more than the age of 20 and has a sleeveless blouse on, I would recommend the death penalty even though it is outlawed in the State of Illinois.

3. What can be done to improve access to justice?

It is very expensive to file a lawsuit.  If we raised the pay off limits in small claims court to $100,000 then people could represent themselves pro se and not have to pay for an attorney. 

4. How do you deal with difficult people, including peers, lawyers, clients or litigants?

I would hold up a picture of an adorable puppy to calm everyone down.  I would then remind them that I am the person wearing the black robe and they better behave or I would send them to the corner for a time-out.

5. Voter turnout appears to be on the decline. This is most apparent in judicial elections, where the races often are not well publicized or covered by the media. How would you improve voter education and interest, particularly as it relates to judicial races?

I would create a system that forces people to vote by punishing them if they don’t.  For example, I would create a law that says people could not renew their driver’s license if they did not show proof of having voted in the last election.  If they did not drive, they would have to show proof of voting to get a transit card.

  

6. Have you ever been arrested or convicted of a felony?

No, but I have friends who have.  You got a problem with that?  I can get it taken care of.

  

Now after reading this, would you vote for me?